Sharing Secrets from the Future...A Look Back at Diagnosis Day

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Thinking back on the date September 12, 2012 stirs many deep feelings inside of me. It was our D-Day...Diagnosis Day. The day my baby boy was diagnosed as being profoundly deaf. The day my life as I had known before ended, and the day a new life, one as the parent of a child with special needs began.

I see myself sitting in that little room alone with only my baby and the doctor who broke the news. I was scared, sad, and lost. I didn't know where to go, what to do, how to think, or why. Why him. Why my baby? Why me?

Now, almost two and a half years later, and after another diagnosis of sensory integration disorder, I wish I could tap myself on the shoulder and whisper to myself a few secrets about the future. A few little secrets that would have lifted my downcast head and dried the tears upon my cheeks. Secrets that would have given pause to my fears and replaced them with little glimmers of hope and tiny inklings of wonder. If only I could have seen then what I see now, this is what I would have told myself that day:

"You may not be able to heal him, but he will heal you."
He will heal you of your flawed definitions of "perfection" and "normal". There is no such thing as normal, and perfection is the love, innocence and joy he exudes. He will heal your desire to control life, and remind you of the importance of faith. He will heal your selfishness and replace it with compassion and empathy.

"You will meet amazing people along the way; people you could not imagine a life without."
The doctors, specialists and therapists you connect with will make an impact that lasts a lifetime. You will forge deep bonds with other parents who are going through similar issues, and they will be a built-in support system you come to rely on. 

"You will learn about unconditional love."
We all long to be loved and accepted no matter what we do or who we are, and your child is no different. He cannot do anything to earn your love, in fact, he will bring a lot of challenges you didn't expect, yet you will love him more than anything. Likewise, he will see you in your most exhausted, frustrated moments, and still, he will be your biggest fan.

"You'll be part of a miracle every day."
After Junior gets his cochlear implants, you will see a miracle every single day. Tears--happy, happy ones--will sting your eyes when he hears you whisper "I love you" and whispers "uh lub oo" back. You will call to him from downstairs and he will run out of his bedroom, wondering what you want. You will ask him to hand you his plate and he will. He will try to sing along at church, he will ask you for more apple juice, he will bob his head when the radio is on. He will always be deaf, and yet he will hear you. And you will never, ever take that for granted.

"You will get the encouragement to keep going when you need it most."
There will be days where you're tired and sore about your circumstances, but you will also come to rely on the little breezes that give you rest and encouragement. Just when you feel ready to give up, something will happen to keep you going. You will meet another parent further down this path that can give you a glimpse of good things to come, someone will send you an encouraging article or quote, or your child will do something to remind you that it's all okay. It's all worth it.

"You would not change him."
Yes, there are many parts about his deafness and sensory processing issues you will want to change. You will long for a good night's sleep (I might leave out the part where he's still not sleeping through the night at 2 years old.) You will be sad when people treat him different for no reason, you will get jealous of the parents who don't seem to work as hard as you do, and you will still ask "why". "Why" will never end. But, you will also come to a beautiful place where you accept every part of who he is, and realize that all those parts make up the perfect little boy that you love.

I know you can't imagine what this path is going to hold. God created this path for you...you'll never know why, but you'll take great comfort in knowing it didn't just happen...you were made for this. It will be a trek, but always remember this: the higher the mountain, the more incredible the views. And from here, the view is pretty good. You've come a long way. Sure, there are some other, higher mountains in the distance, but a future me will have to share those secrets later. I'm sure the view will be even better.

Living Joyfully...Editing out Life's Joy...

On our recent trip to the Bay Area for my 30th Birthday, we were driving through a beautiful stretch of land in the Napa Valley. I had my phone out, taking pictures, and looking at each photo right after taking it. (Does anyone remember the 90s, and that loooooong week waiting for film to be developed, only to get it back and realize none of the photos came out? Torturous. Anyway, I digress.)

So, I was looking at one photo in particular, and started editing it while we were driving. I was oblivious while cropping and changing colors, etc., until I heard "Wow, look at that!" By the time I looked up, whatever beautiful view had caught my husband's attention was in the rearview mirror, and I had missed it because I was so busy editing a photo I had already taken.

How often do I do that in life? How much time do I spend thinking about the things I would change in life, that I miss out on the good stuff right in front of me? The "if only"s and "what if"s that plague my thoughts take away my joy in the now. I'm so busy critiquing things in my life that I don't look up in time to see the beauty before it rushes past.

Life isn't easy. There are things I wish I could change. There are really hard, frustrating, sad, cruddy things I've had to deal with. But, even in all the difficult circumstances, there are good things too. Things I don't want to regret not enjoying when I had the chance.

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A Good Reminder...

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Living Joyfully...No One Can Do It All

Although I love being a stay-at-home mom, it's not easy trying to raise a special needs child, and trying to homeschool. Both of my kids are very high energy, and what you would consider to be "spirited", which leaves me drained at the end of every day. And that doesn't even include the everyday household duties I have to accomplish just to keep my house somewhat in order. Most days, I literally have nothing left. My husband is a huge help around the house and with the kids, but it often still seems like I can't keep on top of everything. It's a constant sense of taking one step forward, two steps back.

I hit a wall recently, and decided something needed to change. I needed to figure out my priorities and stick with them. Adding too many additional commitments and placing unnecessary expectations on myself was beginning to rob the joy and the energy from my life. Here are a few things I had to do:

1. Figure Out What Means The Most To You
I'd like to say that my priorities are always in perfect order: God, my husband, my children, my health, then everything else. But, when you're overwhelmed with too much on your plate, it's easy to knock those priorities on their head.

2. For Each Priority, Make a List
In the busy seasons of life, the only commitments you should make are those that directly influence keeping your priorities in line. Everything else can wait. Here are some of the goals I have with each priority. I still struggle, but making lists always helps me.

Priority 1: God
-Devotional quiet time every day
-Regular Fellowship with other Christians
-Being a good steward of the gifts He has given me

Priority 2: My Family
-Keep everyone fed, safe, and healthy
(My Husband)
Keep the house as clean as possible. (He helps out a lot, but I don't want him to think it's always his job.)
-Minister to him in his own love language (While I would prefer to sit and talk all evening after the kids go to bed, it means more to him when we just sit together watching TV. He enjoys being able to relax and tune out.) So, 8pm-9:30pm is his time, and I try not to schedule anything during that time.
(The Kids)
-Homeschool Stinker
-Teach Junior how to speak and hear with his cochlear implants (including all the therapies he has)
-Make them feel loved and cherished every day

Priority 3: My Health
-Take time to nourish my body (aka-no more skipping meals because I "don't have time"... not eating makes me crabby!)
-Take a break when I need it (I can't do it all, and I'm a much better wife and mom if I take a break before I get too overwhelmed.)

Priority 4: Everything Else
-If I have the time and energy to focus on other things once my top priorities have been met, then I can commit to them. Otherwise, I have to say no for this season in life. 

3. Don't Feel Guilty for Saying "No" When Something Isn't On Your List
You'll be driving yourself crazy if you accept every invitation, go to every get-together, and sign up for every volunteer effort that is presented. When I feel like I'm treading water, I have to say no to literally everything except what's in my list of priorities. Sometimes I feel bad or flaky, but I also know that stretching myself too thin gives me less energy to put towards my relationship with God, my family, and my own health. Leaving me useless to be all that God has planned for me to be.

Remind yourself that many of the expectations we put on ourselves are often arbitrary, and not based in reality.
-My house needs to be a safe and healthy place, but why do I feel like I need to clean 8 hours a day?

-I need to feed my family healthy food, but instead of spending 5 hours in the kitchen cooking a gourmet meal from scratch, can I make a nutritious meal in an hour and spend the rest of the time with them?

-Why do I feel like a bad friend for not saying "yes" to every invitation I'm offered, when this stage in life may require "Hey, can you come up to my house for muffins and a conversation" instead of going to a dinner party?

-I need to give my daughter a good education, but do I really have to write all my own curriculum and spend hours on photoshop making cute little worksheets and labels, or can I find some free printables?

I can't do it all. But, I can use the time and energy that God has given me to be the best steward I can of the things He has entrusted to me. 

In this stage in life, I need to be gentle with myself, but I know that as my kids get older and less dependent on me for everything, I will have more time to devote to other things. I have to remind myself that this too shall pass. 

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5 Ways Having a Special Needs Child Has Made Me a Better Person

Having Junior has been a roller coaster. I always say the lows of having a special needs child are lower, but the highs are much higher, and the blessings that come from Junior's innocence and joy are beyond measure.

The pain of hearing your child has a "diagnosis" is devastating, but the joy of watching them reach even the most mundane milestone is unparallelled. We've started a new round of therapies with Junior...he's now in Occupational Therapy in addition to the Speech Therapy, and they've recommended him to Physical Therapy as well. It's been a busy and exhausting couple of weeks, but through it all, I've realized that his challenges have made me a better mom, and a stronger person.

1. I've Learned to Relax
When Stinker was born, I had all those "First Time Mother" lists. She couldn't watch TV until she was 2, then it was only limited to educational shows while we engaged in thoughtful discussions about what we had watched. Everyday, we worked on our letters and numbers and I taught her to count in Latin at 18 months. I worried about every single milestone, and made constant checklists about what she "needed" to be accomplishing at her age.

Looking back, I wasted so much precious energy worrying about things I couldn't control. Once Junior was born and his special needs were made apparent, my perspective changed completely. No, he's not "ahead" of his peers, and he's not hitting milestones when "they" say he should, but he is hitting milestones at his own pace, and I'm okay with that. He will learn his alphabet, he will learn to speak, and he will be able to run smoothly someday. Maybe not today, but in his time. In the meantime, I just keep looking at the little things he's accomplished, and am grateful for the little "Hi"s I never thought I'd hear.

2. Little Things Don't Bother Me As Much
I'm a fairly intense and competitive person. As my mother would say, I often get my knickers in a knot. Before Junior, a burnt dinner would result in an evening of sulking, a missed TV show would garner some lofty complaining, and the little details of life seemed to be bogging me down. But, once he came along, I realized that some things are more important and longer lasting than the little inconveniences in life. This has allowed me to appreciate more of the blessings in life.   

3. I Give Myself Grace
My days are spent running from appointment to appointment, homeschooling, and trying to keep  everything most things running smoothly, I realize that I can't do it all and have to prioritize. There are seasons of life where you have to let things go and not beat yourself up about it. This season of life is one of pre-cut veggies from Trader Joes and frozen pizzas, not gourmet meals. I'm tired. I don't have three loads of laundry done and fresh bread baked by the time my kids wake up. If I wake up before them, it's usually just a couple minutes before. But, we usually snuggle into my bed and watch Sesame Street together, which is precious time I wouldn't trade for anything. Sometimes it means the laundry doesn't get done that day, but I do the best I can, and give myself grace for everything else.

4. I Take Less for Granted
Junior's deafness made me look at hearing in a whole new way. I could never take it for granted again. And once he got his cochlear implants, the miracle of hearing became even more exciting.

5. I See Past Outward Appearances
The stares. Oh the stares. Sometimes they're just curious, sometimes concerned, but on occasion people can be rude and inconsiderate. Junior comes with a few extra wires and some challenges, and I see when other kids avoid playing with him as a result, and it breaks my heart. He is sweet and wonderful, and some people can't see past the outward appearance. He may not be "perfect" in the world's eyes, but he is perfect to me, and I hope everyone he meets gets to know the real Junior, and not just the Junior who needs to wear magnets on his head and walks a little funny.

Junior has taught me so much, but I think the most important thing he's given me is a little glimpse into unconditional love. I can never fathom how much God loves me, but because of Junior, I'm beginning to understand His love a little bit better. Sure, he comes with some challenges, but I love him no matter what. Even though we aren't perfect, God loves us through it all. And that gives me more joy than anything.

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Living Joyfully: Painful Weeds of Life

We have an avocado tree, and last week my husband noticed something growing out from behind it. At first glance, whatever it was blended in with the tree, but upon further inspection we discovered a long, hideously spiky weed protruding out of the avocado tree.

The weed appeared to be part of the tree, but in reality, it was stealing nutrients from it. My husband pulled out the sharp, spiky weed and got several painful scrapes on his arms in the process.

The weed reminded me of our negative attitudes, our bad habits, and the other things like anger and bitterness that steal the joy from our lives. We may think it's just a part of us ("I'm just a pessimist!"), but in reality, the negative attitudes and bad habits are taking away the joy that we were meant to experience.

But, like my husband's scrapes and cuts, it's not easy and painless to change our attitude. And it doesn't happen overnight. But, in order to live a life of joy, it's important to prune our negativity and bad habits; to keep them from choking our perspective.

When Junior was in the early stages of diagnosis, and I wondered if joy was even possible when everything seemed to be going wrong, God taught me that while things change and circumstances change, He never changes. And He showed me that as difficult as things were, there were always things to be grateful for. I still grieved, and I'm still constantly "pulling the weeds" of comparison and discontentment (believe me, it's been a painful process), but I'm finally realizing that a little painful pruning now beats a lifetime of giving away my joy to the weeds of life. 


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Embrace the Detours

I'm a planner. I'm a list maker. I like to plan for all contingencies and strive to be prepared for anything. If I could devise a list or formula to get through life, I'd be one happy girl. But, as I've learned these last two years, that's not life.

Last week we had the opportunity to accompany my husband on a work trip one state over. On our drive home, we noticed a sign for a Ghost Town, and decided to check it out. It wasn't the plan; we had to be home at a specific time, and I had mapped out where we'd stop for lunch, gas, potty breaks, etc. (If it's not potty break time and someone has to use the bathroom, it messes up my whole travel mojo.)

Anyway, we pulled into this quaint little Ghost Town, expecting to stay for 20 minutes, and ended up staying the entire afternoon. We went panning for gold, walked through the now-defunct silver mine, and even toured a house that was built sideways! The detour, that kind of messed up our travel schedule, ended up being one of the highlights of the entire trip!

Having a special needs child has taught me that there is sometimes more beauty in the detours than in the planned journey. The people we've met through Junior's deafness, the connections we've made, the attitude adjustment that we've been blessed to go through, are things that never would have happened without the "detour" of Junior's special needs. We never planned to have a child with a disability, but this new path has been filled with love and peace abounding. Reminding us that sometimes life is in the detours.

Have you ever experienced a detour in life that ended up being more meaningful than you could have ever planned?

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Top 10 Posts of 2013

For our family, 2013 was definitely better than 2012 (read a little about our 2012 here), but it was far from perfect. We experienced the joy of Junior getting to hear for the first time, but there is still concerns about what his future will hold. I have learned so much this year...namely contentment in the midst of struggle, and practicing faith instead of fear. Here are my top 10 posts from this year...I look forward to sharing more with you in 2014, and have some fun new series planned.

10. Deep Dish Skillet Pizza

9. Saving Money Eating Organic

8. An Update, An Apology, and Encouragement

7. Living Joyfully...Paradise Hidden

6. My Favorite Things at Trader Joes...Snacks and Chips

5. Make it Or Buy it? Jewelry Cleaner

 4. 8 Non-Food Items You Should Buy at Costco

 3. DIY Travel Lap Tray

2. 8 Frugal Things to Do With Eggs

 
1. Junior's Story Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

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5 Ways to Take a Break Every Day (Even on the Busiest Days!)

Recently, I was asked what I do in my downtime to relax. I met the question with unintentional laughter. "What downtime?!" Juggling Junior's therapy appointments almost daily along with the typical household duties didn't leave me much time for any kind of break. But, later I thought about it. Everyone needs a break. Recognizing that even if that break is only for five minutes, I then set out to try and steal moments from every day to recharge. Here are a few ideas for carving out little breaks, even on the busiest of days.

1. Start the Day off Right
-I'm not a morning person. At all. In fact, Stinker is usually the one who wakes me up in the mornings. Despite not waking up before my kids every day, I start every morning reading a short devotional and praying for wisdom and guidance through the day. It starts the day off right, and reminds me that God is with me no matter what we encounter throughout the day.

2. In the Car
-We're often going somewhere. Appointments, soccer practice, the grocery store...somewhere. I often talk to the kids, or listen to a kid's music CD, but there are times when I ask Stinker to be quiet for 5 minutes and let her color, and I'll turn on a sermon or my favorite encouraging CD. I turn the volume way up, and pretend I'm alone. Somehow, these quiet few moments give me a little boost to get through the rest of the day.

3. Outside
-One of my favorite places to take a mini-break during the day is outside. There's something so relaxing about the warm sun, the birds calling, and the fresh air. Sometimes while the kids are safely inside playing, I'll step outside for a moment, take some deep breaths, say a quick prayer, notice the beauty of the nature around me, and head back in. When we have more time, I love taking the kids for a walk. Exercise seems to help perspective, and give me more energy to tackle the rest of the day.

4. Deep Breaths
-Several times during the day, I make it an effort to stretch and take deep breaths (in through your nose, hold for 5 seconds, out slowly through your mouth). This mini-break helps me to re-focus.

5. Hobby Time 
-Having young children is exhausting, and doesn't leave you for much time to pursue other hobbies. I really used to enjoy reading, but have found that the opportunities to read have been few and far between. But, through a conscious effort, I've been trying to carve out time every day to read. Sometimes I turn on a show for the children and head into the next room to read. These 10 or 15 minutes do so much for my attitude, and as a result I'm more patient as a mom and more efficient as a homemaker.

What is your favorite way to take a "little break" during a busy day? I'd love to hear your suggestions as well!

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Living Joyfully...Paradise Hidden

Last month, our family had the opportunity to take a vacation…our first such trip in six years. In that span, my husband had not taken more than two consecutive work days off, so it was a much needed break. While there, one of the waiters at a restaurant we ate at asked what sites we had seen. We listed off several spots we had visited, and asked him what else we should see during our trip.

“I’ve lived here my whole life,” he responded, “and you’ve probably seen more in your week here than I ever have.”

I was shocked that he had never taken advantage of his life in paradise, but then realized how true this is for all of us. When entrenched in the routines of life and work and school, we become so focused on getting things done, that we begin to forget the beauty that is all around us. I’m not just talking about tourist sites and nature either, although when was the last time you really took the opportunity to soak in the beauty of a sunset? When we’re focused on the tasks of life, we tend to forget the beauty of our family, of a roof over our heads, of food on the table. The beauty of the blessings we take for granted.

This week, try to look at life with new eyes. New eyes that see the beauty around you. When you walk outside to check the mail, listen to the birds. Next time you notice the sun setting, take a few minutes to let the peacefulness overwhelm your heart. Say “thank you” more often, and find something to marvel at. You might be surprised at how much paradise you can find hidden inside the nooks and crannies of a normally tedious routine

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I Lost a Good Friend Today...

This is Jedidiah Jericho. Little Jed. Faithful friend, sweet puppy, gentle soul. He just turned 13 a few weeks ago, and became an angel in Doggie Heaven this weekend. He was a snuggler (when he wanted), a protector (though only 11 pounds, he once tried to take on a possum to "protect" us), and hungry (even with multiple allergies, he would try and sneak bacon.)

He was a faithful friend in every sense of the word. He never held a grudge, he was always excited to see me, he would lay his head on my shoulder and let me hold him like a baby...when I felt like no one else understood me, I could pick up Jed, hold him close, and his smelly little puppy kisses would turn the world okay for a little while. He will be greatly missed, and fondly remembered.

When he was a puppy and I was a goofy kid, I would dress him up and take pictures. He was always so patient and waited faithfully for the promised treat once I was finished. I always knew Jed saw himself as a human. He had more facial expressions than I've ever seen on a dog, and a real sense of humor. The first take of these now-famous-amongst-friends-and-family Jed shots was precious. He sat there dutifully while I arranged his hat and the pose.

 But, by the eighth shot...

You could tell he was a little annoyed. The glare! That was Jed. I'll miss him, and I'll always love him. I am so grateful for the sweet puppy he was.

Living Joyfully:Today

There are a few life lessons that we seem to learn too late. I've learned in recent years that my parents were usually right...staying up late was not in my best interest (or anyone else's that would be around me the following morning), high school drama would not determine the rest of my life, and that they didn't hate me for making me eat broccoli. (I can't say the same about the infamous "International Night" of dinner, though, in which my mother once served French Toast, Mexican Quesadillas with American cheese, and Chinese fried rice. On the same plate. I shudder to this day and wonder if it was some passive aggressive response to my not cleaning my room.) In any case, as I've gotten older, the list of "If I knew then what I know now,"s has gotten increasingly longer.

One lesson I'm trying to keep in mind right now is simple yet difficult to grasp. The concept that time is fleeting and nothing from this earth lasts forever is something I remind myself of when I need a little perspective.

We need to enjoy today for today. Not for what it was, or what it will be, but for what it IS.

When I was in college, I had my sights set on one particular guy. "If he only noticed me," I'd think, "Then I'd be happy."

Said boy fell in love with my and proposed. "If only we were married," I'd think, "Then I'd be happy."

We soon got married and things were good. For a while. "If only we had a house, then I'd be happy," is what would go through my mind. (I think you see where this is going.) 

We got the house, next on the list was a baby. After the baby was born, I would dream of the day she'd start sleeping through the night. Then the day she'd start walking. Then the birth of the next child...the never ending cycle had begun, because I didn't know how to be grateful for the now, and was just focused the next.

If we can't be happy right now, we will never truly be happy. Ever-changing circumstances will determine our attitude and rule our perspective. 

Today, even in the trials, find something to be grateful for. Set your sights on goals and future plans, but don't let them get in the way of enjoying everything you can in the moment you're in. I can never go back to the days I missed by wanting something bigger and better, but I can change the way I look at things now.

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Living Joyfully-Think on These Things

Okay, I'll admit it. I've been cranky lately. I'm 8312 weeks pregnant. I can't bend over to pick up messes (like the one pictured above). I'm always hot and the house is always stuffy. I can't open the kitchen window because my belly hits the countertop and I can't roll over in bed unless I make a 12 point turn. I feel like I complain to everyone about everything these days (sorry Mom!)

And yet, when my 3-year old woke up yesterday in a bad mood, and continued this attitude all day, I could not hide my irritation. "Why is she being so cranky!?" I kept asking my husband. Two seconds later I started complaining to him about something unrelated.

This morning I woke up early and had an opportunity to read my Bible before my daughter woke up. I was convicted by this verse in Philippians:  
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Phil. 4:8, NIV).

I realized that my crankiness and complaining was rubbing off on the rest of my family. I was getting irritated with my daughter because I was being a bad example for her. I have not been thinking on things that were true, noble, or right, I've been thinking on the negatives, and it's affecting everyone around me. 

This week, I am pledging to make my home a "Complaint Free Zone." Sure, I'll still get irritated and frustrated by things, but I have the choice to voice those things, or to let them go. Will you join me in making your home a complaint free zone this week? When a negative thought enters your head, find something lovely, excellent, or praiseworthy to dwell on instead. Your good attitude might start rubbing off on those around you and your entire family will benefit!

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